Alone

There are some days in your life, that make you realise, that you're all alone on this planet.

And it's hard you know? People were made to live in groups. We call them families. But what if family doesn't support you? Well, then you have friends, right? No, not always. What if friends don't call you, don't text you, don't want to hang out with you? What should you do then? Nothing. This is the time, in which you realise, that you're alone. Those lonely days. They feel bad. I think, that I'm the one, who know this feeling the best. True friends? There is no such things. There are two types of friends. Those, that really care about you, but sometimes just have something on their mind, that makes them forget for a while. There are also those, that pretend they're your friends when they need something, and then just abandon you. You know what's the worst feeling on earth? Loneliness. When you feel, that you don't belong here. That you shouldn't be here. That no one cares. It leads to depression. You start to think, if things would change, if you'd actually die, or run away. Well, of course they would! But would this change be for better or worse?

I think about that really often. And the more I do, the more I realise the world without me would be better. Sad, isn't it? Why do I think so? Well, listen up if you want to. This is my photoblog, and I treat it as my journal. I might as well tell you everything about me. Most of you don't know me, some of you don't understand what's written here, and only a few know me, and can understand this.

So, first of all, my father died when I was 3. I know, that's sad. And I feel sad, every time I think about it. It's nothing to brag about, and I wouldn't even write about that, if not for one thing. I'm his perfect copy. I mean it. When he was my age, he looked exactly the same. He had the same eyes as me, he started going bald, when he turned 18, just like me. He had that lazy left eyelid, like I do. I am him. And what's worst, he had my sense of humour, the same voice as I do, and laughed in the exact same way. What's so bad about that? Memories. Life without me would be better, because of memories I bring to my mom every fucking time she sees me. Sometimes I make her cry just because of me being in the same room, and her having memories of my dead father. That makes me furious, but I know I can't do anything about that, you know?

Secondly - my friends, and my ex girlfriend. Yes, I do have some true friends. Not much, but they're here for me almost every time I need them. But none of them really cares about me, you know? If I'm sad, none of them would even bother to cheer me up. And I understand them. They have great lives, they're awesome people, and me? I'm a no one compared to them. I had big dreams, but I had to give up on them. They have other friends, guys who are - by all means - better than me. And my ex girlfriend? Well, she has a new bf now. You can't hide that - this guy is better than me. And if not me, they'd be together sooner than that. I've been holding on to her for 1,5 year, just to realise that we do not fit each other. I won't tell you about the circumstances of this break up, but it wasn't nice. If I wasn't alive, she'd have never suffered so much.

Thirdly - my life. It's a paradox, I know. But what did I bring to this world? I mean really, what? I've been thinking about that for the last three months. And you know what I figured out? Nothing. I didn't bring anything to this world. I haven't made anyone do anything, I didn't really help anyone with anything important. All I did was bring pain, and suffering to people's lives. How? By being by their side, and then leaving them. I'm a nice guy. That's what people say. But I can't grow attached to anyone. I'm always leaving them at some point. No, I said it wrong. I can grow attached to someone, but I don't want to. You know why? Because right from the start, I can see through them. At the moment I meet someone, I can already tell what can I expect out of that person. That's totally fucked up. Even though, there're only 2 women, that I can't tell what to expect from. And you know what? They're the only ones, that keep me alive, or rather - keep me there. If not these two wonderful ladies, I would've already left this country without telling a word to anyone.

I'm tired of living. Of being alone. Of being no one, and doing nothing. But whenever I try to do something big, reality hits me hard. I'm being brought down to earth, and reality keeps screaming "Stay in your line, and don't try to go anywhere! You're not supposed to be great in anything, you're just a regular guy, who's going to live a regular life!". And I don't want that.

After living for almost twenty years, I know exactly three things.

First - I'm going to be someone great.

Second - If I don't, I'm going to live a miserable life, as a homeless person.

Third - I'm never going to be happy. Ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhUSsQ_OXzc