Seventeen year old girl. With her mind full of dreams. Dirty, yellow Converse sneakers on her feet. Her heart full of rage, regret, longing. Craziness was her middle name. She has pierced everything she could. On her own, too. With safety pin, actually. Death, thrash and heavy metal were playing in her heart. She fell in love with this guy, so fucking much, it sometimes did hurt. She dyed her hair aubergine. She had so many friends. Boys, mostly. She understood them, like she never was and never will understand girls. But this one boy... Hell, he was so fucking special. It was like he was able to see her soul with his eyes. Or touch her heart with his words. But he didn't fall in love with her at first. He thought he loved so many girls. He was searching for this one and only. He was suffering, because none of them was right for him. She knew about that, because she was his best friend. So he was confessing to her. And she was listening. So she was suffering even more than him.
And now it's been 6,5 years. She just turned 23. Six months ago they moved in together. Two months ago he took her into the mountains, kneeled down and ask her to marry him. They're gonna get married in just 8 months. They've found each other. They are soulmates, best friends, lovers.
Partially I miss the old me. Miss this spontaneity, bravery, craziness. This "fuck it all" attitude. These people I hung out with all the time. This cockiness. Living without facebook, with so many people around me, everyday. Having serious discussions in the middle of the night. But I think it's a part of growing up. Some things are just typical for high school. But thankfully I've got This Boy. We were together in high school and we still are, almost finishing master's degree.
This year... I wanna find this seventeen year old girl in me. Who could fuck up sometimes. Who didn't have to be perfect. Who didn't care what other people thought of her. Who did what she wanted to. Because grown up life sucks. And I don't mean things like, I don't know... Planning our wedding, living together, buying our first christmas tree or doing laundry with My Potter Boy, instead of my family. No, I totally love that. I mean, I don't want to get rid of my piercing. I wanna get tattoo. I wanna dye my hair red again. I wanna read Harry Potter books all over again, in different languages. I wanna watch Disney films. I wanna sit under a tree and drink some beer with friends in summer. I wanna wander around the city at night. I wanna be myself and don't have to pretend someone else. I don't wanna be scared of someone's judgement. Am I going to make it this year? Just when I'm gonna finish my studies, find a job and get married? I don't know. But besides running goals in 2015 I want to connect with mind and soul of girl on that photo.