long way there ...in front... of me.
i notice my mistakes much faster. i can make a difference between my perception of things and between the meaning created by societies. common illusion. when you open your eyes for that, suddenly everything you believed gets blurred. nothing is clear anymore. all the means which were the core for your developement are fading away. you lose your ground and you get unstable. that is what just happened to me. they say... its's a part of the process. process gets more and more difficult, as i lose my beliefs in what is holding me here and creating me as I am. I was doubting to continue. i was doubting a lot. I even skipped one day cause i got lost. they say... you ae building a wall around you because you are extrasensitive, supersensitive, oversensitive. it might be true. i just didn't relize, by being cold, distanced, dry, away. i was observing myself and my life like i would observe a stranger, 3rd person. like i would be away, and all the things which happened - happened to someone not to me, i was just next to the one and i could share some of happiness, sadness, dissapointments. i did not experience it fully myself. i was just watching. watching me, from the perspective. testing myself, checking how far can i go and what will happen to me if i do something bad. it is also why it is easy to punish myself for the wrong decisions, moves, because i punished 3rd person, not myself. the process last long. and it has stages. the things are changing.. they say... exposing your emotions to the world is good. it is healthy. it is not a sign of weakness. my dictionary would never accept this, as i never exposed myself before. i went through a lot and I did not really realize i went through a lot. i thought it is normal. and it created me. but it influenced me a lot too, in many different ways i did not realize until someone helped me to see it. all the things happend, all the people crossing my path were there to show me. that there is something i did wrong, i went to the wrong direction. i jumped out of myself. trying to coming back right now. im trying to experience myself again, in the new way, as me. not a stranger who i know really good. confusion, fear dobts are real human reactions and that is also what tauched me on this way. when there is something unexpectable happening, the way how we behave and how we react shows us. and i thought i am prepared for anything, and i can teach others. i can. but i still have a lot to learn myself. a lot. need to get this straight first. clean up some mess around. get things clean. right now in between blurred world and blurred surrounding im there somewhere analyzing myself. and i am sure it is not 'this time of the year' it is also not one of those deep heavy nights where i was 'creating myself' or actually 'closing myself'. approximately every 7 years we are totally regenerating ourselves. we are becoming totally different souls over and over again. now it is time for opening myself. for putting myself in dangers of the world. for crying. for letting things go and accepting them. to stop carryiing my past behind me. to stop worrying about the future. to be.
to be right now. be myself. and be happy.
...the proces in progress.
the sea refuses no river.
so many things we experience
the words are dead.