Gena my sunshine

Isn't this weird, one day you're so sure about how you feel and what you want, and then it just changes and you can't go back. Certain events make you look differently at things and lose/gain emotions.

When I was with him, I was so sure I loved him, I was scared to admit it. I used to judge people abusing words "I love you" and yet I did it myself. This time it was different though. And as much as time heals the pain, I'm starting to doubt that I can feel what I felt when I was with him. It's like when you're mezmorized while looking into his eyes. Nothing else matters, world doesn't exist, it's just you and him. And you're glowing, from all the love and happiness you're releasing. And you feel like the moment is captured, and nothing can disturb it. I felt that way for months, I really thought I found my soulmate.

And then comes pride, mistakes, shame. Thins go wrong too quickly and by the time you know it, it's too late.

And then comes numbness and emotionless, just to get through the situation. It's like a defense mechanism to survive and not neglect the rest of your life because love won't feed you or pay your rent.

You realize your mistakes, and start trying to work on them and rebuild your relationship. Sometimes all the break ups bring you closer and make you realize how much you truly care about that other person, and sometimes they just prove your differences.

I've finally had enough, too much of an emotional roller coaster, it's like I got nauseous and sick to my stomach from it. I had to make some radical decisions or it felt like I would stay indecisive forever. Each day I had a different plan for myself, my feelings were so unstable I thought I was going crazy. Seeing Scott could annoy me, make me happy, piss me off. I could never tell what it was going to be. But I knew one thing, it never felt the same. I never felt like I could look into his eyes and say "I love you" without looking down and being scared. Each time I promised myself I won't string him along, but I couldn't face the fact that my feelings truly are weakning.

Now I'm with Ralph, he's amazing and he cares about me dearly. I still think about Scott, even when I'm with Ralph, but how can you let go of your past so easily when you thought it would never become your past? Rebounds always worked for me pretty good, so I might as well just stick to that.

Just had to get it off my chest, it already feels better, yay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSqqSs95JqQ