Powątpiewam w siebie często. 

It's something past 2am, and I am just sitting here and drinking a beer which actually isn't even a beer at all. But it doesn't matter, let's pretend it is. I just feel like getting drunk and smoking a cigarette and don't feel ugly and lonely anymore. And it's so annying and stupid to feel lonely while having a lot of people around, but maybe that's the reason why I am stupid and why I am such a fool. I wish I woudn't have those stupid thoughts about being skinny and not eating, it's so childish and it makes me feel even worst but I can't contol it. Knowing the fact that I lost almost 4 kilos, making me feel to lose more and more. I really love curves and it's the sexiest thing about every women, and I would be so happy if I would have curves too, but at the same time I love loosing weight and I love to see my collarbones and feel my flat stomach and got that feeling of having not a lot of food in my stomach. And I love food so much, I can't even explain how much and it's not that I am not eating - I do! Just sometimes when I get into those thoughts about not being good enough, I am closing myself into this depression and sad world and I just feel like doing something pathetic as right now. And I guess my english grammer is even shitter than it was before, cause I haven't spoke english properly at all for almost 2 months (Well, it will be soon) and I don't know who else can be as dumb as me to forget language which is using every day for a few good years. And damn, I wish I could have someone for who I wouldn't be afraid and embarassed to talk what I feel and what I think and what I want and what is getting on my nervous and what I am afraid of. And there is a lot of things which I am afraid of, and sometimes I feel like I can't fight with them by myself. I don't want to feel the way I feel right now, because I want to talk and have someone who will listen and be there for me and answer me in the way I won't be dissapointed and won't make me regret what I said. But there is always someone who makes me regret what I said out loud, and it's so sad, because I have a lot to say but nobody to listen. And I don't like to bother people with myself or maybe I do, but I don't have the right people to bother or I don't know. God, why am I like this.